February 2012
2 posts
yesterday has disappeared. the dirt has washed away and it is clear. there is only grace. there is only love. there is only mercy in believing you’re enough.
darkness
my mind wanders into the depths of the darkest canyon.
and it stays there.
I throw down a rope so I could climb up,
but it doesn’t reach that far.
so I fall down too.
..I’m comfortable here.
even if I wanted to climb out; I don’t think I could.
what about darkness feels so safe?
I’ll spend my whole life trying to climb out.
I’ll be dead before I reach the...
fight
your heart is broken and I see it in your eyes.
I hear the pain hidden in your lies.
I understand the thoughts running through your mind.
I know how badly they set you behind.
the thoughts of worthlessness are so far from true.
but they’ve got their grip on you.
they make you suffer day after day.
and no matter how hard you try, you can’t push them away.
when will you be...
January 2012
4 posts
scared of relapse
my emotions scare me.
anything but happiness is a threat.
I know this feeling all too well.
I can feel my past inside me;
when I WASN’T okay.
I can feel the EMPTINESS.
and the loneliness.
I was so broken.
too broken to ever put back together.
the memories still lurk behind to taunt me.
memories are too vivid.
they’re so.. real.
I don’t want to live this over again.
I...
suffocation
empty inside, I try to breathe.
it must not be working since I’m suffocating.
nobody can pull me out.
they’re all looking at the beauty in the sky.
I think brokenness hides.
nobody ever seems to notice.
but I don’t know how to fix this.
depression is addicted to me.
how can I break an addiction if it’s not mine?
the chains are broken but he stands by my side....
disappointment
he’s screaming and I don’t know what I did.
people are always screaming.
& they drown out the soft voices trying to comfort me.
making myself happy is so challenging.
how can you when all you hear is how wrong you are?
so many people arent proud.
I see those who are but I can’t hear them.
will you yell louder?
let me hear your sweet words.
drown out the screaming....
October 2011
2 posts
tonight was probably the best night ive everrr had...
i was never trying to kill myself. but i knew if i...
May 2011
16 posts
you killed her heart. 5/10/11
heartbreak written all over a face
that used to be covered by grace.
your killing her heart.
you knew from the start
how this would end.
her heart you attempted to mend.
you have her in the palm of your hand,
melted like a pile of sand.
she wont let you go.
but that she wont show.
wont you just say you love her too?
because her feelings have always been true.
speak. 5/10/11
volume of the radio all the way up.
drowning out her lovely voice.
you cant hear her speak,
but her voice is booming;
like thunder rolling across the sky.
shes as gentle as the sea below,
brushing ever so lightly on the sand.
thinking shes not heard,
but shes got a crowd of millions.
her words speak louder than comparison,
yet as quiet as the wind.
she could grasp anyones heart.
she...
blank. 5/10/11
blank paper.
so many words.
no order.
no sense.
blank mind,
as if i cant remember a thing.
blank face.
no more expression. not for weeks.
and how did i get here?
i had a clear path.
ready to move forward.
ive opened my eyes to nothing.
ive moved backwards.
path gone.
blank.
happiness? 5/9/11
to think everything was okay.
to think i actually could be happy.
how is it everyone can see,
and im blind
i feel like an abused little girl inside,
hiding from myself.
but in reality, i have no reason to be unhappy.
masked to the pain,
deprived of happiness.
id rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
im tired of being numb,
empty.
i can never seem to pick myself up,
put all the pieces...
no escape. 5/8/11
walk through the halls
with a hundred eyes glaring me down.
devouring me peice by peice.
they know.
everybody knows my weakness.
already planning to use it against me.
&i cant feel a thing.
why is it i can never feel?
things would be a lot easier if i wasnt under a constant spotlight.
always messing up.
my mistakes are kept laminated in a book.
my ahievements are forgotten.
both...
danger. 5/8/11
what were doing isnt right.
we dont love eachother.
were kids. inexpirienced.
messing with a game never meant to be played.
were gunna fuck this up.
youre gunna fuck me up.
no good. bad boy. bad news.
STAY AWAY.
i cant.
danger is so eyecatching.
battle. 5/6/11
stop with your glaring eyes.
stop with your scandalist lies.
continue with your beatings
that dont have any meanings.
just keep doing what you do bst,
and leave it to all the rest
to break my heart just one more time,
and take anything thats ever been mind.
a continuous heartbreak,
and with everything at steak,
you expect to win with no one at your side?
dont say you even tried.
all is...
tragedy. 5-2-11
tragedy strikes a home.
tragedy strikes a town.
tragedy strikes a country.
and when tragedy strikes a heart?
tragedy struck my heart.
nobody came running.
no ones coming to save me.
i learned that a long time ago.
when i learned what tragedy was.
when tragedy hits,
theres no being saved.
dont get your hopes up like i did.
dirty. 5-1-11
i am filthy,
and you made me this way.
i said no,
you muffled my screams.
i did everything to get back my purity.
nothing worked.
you stripped me of everything i had.
you made me so dirty, so unpure.
taking my innocence.
under all the layers of soap, im still not clean.
i will never be clean
words. 5-1-11
i have so much to say,
and nobody to say it to.
word vomit
spilled into this notebook.
my mind is cluttered,
i cant say what i want so bad to say.
so many words.
so little time.
its too late now.
too much has happened.
theres too much to say.
ill die before im done.
these words are building up inside me.
one day, they will come out.
the words wont be pretty like you want them to be.
wrong. 5/1/11
wrong path.
ive been traveling for days.
wrong girl.
she was never supposed to break.
wrong boy.
he was never any good.
wrong time.
you were supposed to wait.
wrong year.
she grew too fast.
wrong heart.
dont fall for somebody you know you cant have.
wrong person.
i was supposed to be different.
wrong.
no going back..
drowning. 5/1/11
surrounded by suffocation.
everything is closing in.
im drowning.
being pulled into a dark hole.
its getting harder and harder to breathe.
soft voices boom like thunder.
knives stab my body.
my heart colapses.
too broken to beat.
even the most gentle appear evil.
im being shoved into a black abyss.
no turning back now.
rehab. 5/1/11
white walls.
two chairs.
a clipboard and a pen.
no pictures, no color.
her and me.
whats wrong?
what isnt wrong?
stop writing what i say.
are you listening?
or just writing?
STOP. hear me.
give me my pills so i can leave.
starving? razorblades? me..?
i havent told anybody in months.
they dont know.
are these tears?
how are you breaking my walls so easily?
just make me okay again,...
scars. 5/1/11
white lines cover my body.
my limits.
i want to open, BREAK, them.
break my limits,
open my scars.
let them bleed,
let me hurt.
i just want to feel again.
white lines
that scream to be torn open.
new ones want to be made.
theyre begging me.
getting harder and harder to say NO.
“let me breathe one more time.
let me show you,
you are ALIVE.
i can make you feel alive...
nothing. 5/1/11
i feel empty inside.
like ive built a raging fire inside me,
and its destroying anything in its path.
anything and everything.
ive destroyed myself so much.
bracelets cover my scars.
oh how badly i want to reopen them.
clothes cover my weaknesses.
no matter how much i dont eat,
my insecurities stay the same.
my stomach is empty.
just like the place my heart should be.
my smile is just...
dying. 4/30/11
white yellow brown blue.
bottles and bottles.
i am alone,
and in a room of pills.
nobody knows how easy i could make it.
how easily i could make this all go away.
i could end the pain.
right here,
right now.
i want to make it end.
living has gotten so hard.
ive come to only know pain and releases.
i dont know how to make anything better.
only how to destroy myself.
all ive done for...
April 2011
25 posts
4/27/11
i lay me down to sleep tonight.
when i wake tomorrow, may everything be alright.
may i not cry, and fall straight to sleep.
may a lovely sleep i keep.
allow no inturruptions.
allow no corruptions.
tomorrow brings a brand new day.
let tomorrow be okay.
may the stars set in their place,
and the moon shine bright with grace.
may the sky be dark but still have light.
may the sun rise with...
4/26/11
he hurts her one more time. one more time, and away he goes with his apology. promising to change. you’d think she’d learn. you’d think she’d know. the bruises and the cuts. hiding with clothes. layers and layers of clothes. everyday gets worse. it went from hurtful words to forceful punches. it all changed so quickly. she doesnt know what she did to make him so mad....
4/27/11
heavy eyes and a pounding head.
nobody remembers the words that were said.
the room is spinning.
shes not winning.
dying hearts and cluttered minds.
shes the only one holding herself behind.
bullets and guns.
lets see how far she runs.
stripped of her hope and flory.
doesnt know where to begin with her story.
slit wrists and used blades.
if only she couldve been saved.
maybe it wouldve...
fight inside my mind.
a struggle inside my mind.
a contant fight that keeps me behind.
all the tears ive cried,
all the times ive tried,
all the attempts ive failed,
all the tried ive bailed,
creaded the fight.
and took my delight.
sticks and stones
are breaking my bones.
and words are killing my heart.
grabbing the center and ripping apart.
never ending pain,
that gives me no gain.
voices thtat boom,
...
false dreams.
youre killing yourself from the outside in.
and for what?
to seek happiness?
stop.
youll never find it.
you an cut, starve, burn, break all you want.
nothing in return.
just keep hurting,
and keep reaching.
maintain pointless hope.
you can keep believing.
it doesnt hurt having a few false dreams.
-april 4, 2011
feeling
she slices her skin,
to rid this numb state shes in.
she cannot feel her pain,
but it still remains.
blood runs down.
shes going to drown.
no matter how hard she strives,
shes only half alive.
it only works for a while.
but not long enough to smile.
will she be okay tonight?
will she ever be alright?
the pain may not stay,
but the scars will never fade away.
-april 4, 2011
will you come back..?
at your feet begging please.
please, please, come back to me.
i love you so,
dont you know?
i need you
i promise all my words here are true.
you dont feel near,
i want you here.
do you need me?
if not, let me be.
i dont want to let you go.
but that, i cannot show.
-april 4, 2011
want me..
i look for you in everybody,
but i find you in nobody.
i wont give up.
i could never let you go,
but you could never hold on.
even if i begged you.
ive never been good enough for you.
i changed and still wasnt.
will i ever be?
denied,
with everyone watching.
how am i not enough for you?
what did i do,
didnt do.
how is she so much better that me?
she will never love you like i do..
...
everyone leaves
everyone walks away.
leaving you standing alone.
and you begin to wonder whats wrong with you.
what did you do wrong?
they all leave, one by one.
faster than the last.
everyone cant wait to leave.
its as if theyr lining up at the door.
you wonder what did you do that was so bad.
why doesnt anybody love you..?
a gun is pictured in your head.
a blade.
a bottle of pills.
a rope.
a way...
life
the rain falls down high from the sky.
the moon sits and waits, trying to get by.
he waits his trun,
as the sun sheds its burn.
always coming in second best.
leaving glory for all the rest.
they all get their ten minutes of fame.
while we take the blame.
“this isnt fair” you cry.
but no matter how hard you try,
they will always give you strife.
this is life..
-april 2, 2011
2009
shes trying to breath but its getting so hard,
pain is simply suffocationg.
trying to climb away,
but starvation keeps her weak.
shes popping pills to get rid of all the pain.
she cuts herself to bleed out what all she holds in.
everyday another peice of her heart falls to the ground.
she wants nothing more than to be happy. ♥
2/26/10
before me stands a line.
its never ending and i cant find the begining.
nothing to tell what this is for.
nobody talks, only wait.
everyone stands in this line,
secretly wanting to be the first to die.
and im welcomed to the front..
games -3/26/10
all this agonizing pain keeps driving me insane.
toying with my mind.
leading me to dead ends and no way to turn back.
down a path of destruction.
with no possibility of winning.
playing games with life isnt fair.
youll never win.
but just to help,
ill guide you through my tortuous games,
so you can play too.
alcohol -2/25/10
she locks herself in the bathroom,
everyones aslee.
the sun is rising,
and she drinks long from a bottle of liquor.
hiding the edvidence, she walks away.
trying to hide the whisky on her breath.
and she tries to drink her pain away,
a little at a time.
but she never could get drunk enough to push it all away.
no matter how hard she’d try.
finally she drank away all she’s ever...
4/14/10
all the happy faces make me want to scream.
all the perfection is driving me insane.
and im not sure how to handle it.
my agony is knawing at my soul.
no numbness, only pure pain.
attempting to endure, the torture increases.
im not sure how to intake,
perfection is reminding me of the truth i forgot.
ignorance is at its best.
enemies -7th grade
the world seems like its out to get is,
and noone can protect us.
guns are pointed at us,
shots are made,
people are killed.
few make it through.
the world is out to get us,
and noone can make it stop.
there are no rocks to hide behind.
where can i hide?
noone can help me,
the world is full of people who strive to bring me down.
i wish somebody would step out of the crowd
so they can...
3/29/09
all over her legs,
there are cuts.
one after another.
it never ends.
it helps her.
no one seems to understand that.
she lies,
and says shes okay.
they believe her.
they shouldnt.
they cutting has taken over her.
its like shes as far from the world as you can get.
theres nothing anyone can do.
shes gone.
she tries to get back.
but her tunnle to lead her there is darkness.
shes...
shes fine -8th grade
she hides her feelings inside.
the feelings her family destroyed.
the feelings her friends forgot about.
the feelings shes trying to handle.
shes not okay.
yet she seems to think she is.
she tries to convince the world a lie.
they dont believe her.
they blow her off.
they dont care anymore.
theres more important things than her.
why doesnt she matter?
what makes her so worthless?
day...
falling apart -11/22/09
i have a gentle heart,
dont you understand?
i cant deal with the pain.
i cant play your little game.
im far too fragile,
dont you see?
i cant spare another crack in my heart.
my heart is falling to peices.
im falling apart.
fear -11/22/09
its taking over my mind,
and shutting down my body.
i cant see a thing,
its all black.
frozen.
i cant move.
i know this was wrong,
deep down inside.
now,
im paying for it.
this is all wrong.
im paralyzed.
its coming to an end,
my life is almost over.
i sit there
watching the world fade away.
i cant stop it.
its gone.
my game is over.
this is the end.
secrets -8th grade
she knows,
what shes doing is wrong.
she knows,
somebody needs to know.
rolling downt he sleeves of her beautiful clothes,
trying to cover of all the memories.
going to great lengths to protect her secrets.
everyone knows the truth.
holding her stomach,
no one sees her eat a thing.
shes skin and bones, shes beautiful.
no matter what.
sleeping pills are stolen,
theyre hidden under her...
10/29/08
he taught me three facts about love.
one.
when he says he loves you,
its not always true.
two.
always never lasts.
and three.
theres always someone else
silence..
silence is a girls loudest cry.
lying in pain, but she still wants to try.
paralyzed from her head to her toes.
brokenness clearly shows.
she cant hide this anymore, its gotten too bad.
losing everything shes ever had.
fallen to the ground, shes gotten so weak.
even her pain is unique.
beyond just broken this time.
shattered inside.
her hearts constantly harrassed.
fallen apart like...
no happiness.
she isnt eating, in hope for something more.
she has cuts on her wrist that are red, swollen, and sore.
she throws her hands in the air.
and she doesnt care anymore.
staring into the mirror.
down falls a tear.
how did things get this bad?
its so sad.
happiness is a big doubt.
theres no way out..
lost inside my head
bottled up inside.
nobody to stand by my side.
lost and alone.
no answers to be shown.
my heads not clear.
the answers dont feel near.
even the easiest things are so far away.
they get further away day by day.
i keep on praying.
but i think God’s delaying.
how much longer can i keep going?
its getting harder now to keep my emotions from showing.
i keep wishing. they never come...
March 2011
15 posts
mess
im not sure whats going on right now.
ive gotten into this big mess somehow.
nobody can help me out.
no matter how loud i shout.
everythings so impossible.
and im responsible.
so hollow and weak inside.
no helo to stand beside.
this never goes away.
but it doesnt always stay.
im not sure why,
so i have to lie.
my tears run down like a razorblade.
look at this mess ive made..