my emotions scare me.
anything but happiness is a threat.
I know this feeling all too well.
I can feel my past inside me;
when I WASN’T okay.
I can feel the EMPTINESS.
and the loneliness.
I was so broken.
too broken to ever put back together.
the memories still lurk behind to taunt me.
memories are too vivid.
they’re so.. real.
I don’t want to live this over again.
I can’t fall apart again.
it scares me to think about it.
I don’t want to be anything but happy.
the rest scares me.
brokenness is suffocating.
and my heart can’t handle that again..

1/26/12

empty inside, I try to breathe.
it must not be working since I’m suffocating.
nobody can pull me out.
they’re all looking at the beauty in the sky.
I think brokenness hides.
nobody ever seems to notice.
but I don’t know how to fix this.
depression is addicted to me.
how can I break an addiction if it’s not mine?
the chains are broken but he stands by my side.
we’re both afraid to separate.
we don’t know anything different.
the first step is the hardest.
I’ve taken mine while he stands still.
and I can’t walk away if I’m the only one trying.
guilt surrounds me
and shoves me under.
how can I breathe when I’m user the most shameful emotion?
why are these chains and shackles on me again?
the weight of the world is back on my shoulders.
and I can’t breathe.
brokenness is suffocating me.

1/26/12

he’s screaming and I don’t know what I did.
people are always screaming.
& they drown out the soft voices trying to comfort me.
making myself happy is so challenging.
how can you when all you hear is how wrong you are?
so many people arent proud.
I see those who are but I can’t hear them.
will you yell louder?
let me hear your sweet words.
drown out the screaming.
it’s going to get into my head again.
once it’s there, it won’t be able to get out.
& it will defeat me; beat me down to nothing.
again.
constant disappointment from the world will be all the thoughts back.
I want to stay proud of myself.
I want to stay happy.
stop turning that around!
you don’t have that place.
I’m trying hard to please you,
I promise.
I’m sorry that it isn’t enough.
I could be better; I know.
but please remember; im still healing.
part of me is still broken.
give me time.
I’m still behind.
understand; STOP SCREAMING
I can’t take it.
I want you to be proud..
but I have to be proud first..
why won’t you understand?
why won’t you stop screaming?

1/12/12

heartbreak written all over a face

that used to be covered by grace.

your killing her heart.

you knew from the start

how this would end.

her heart you attempted to mend.

you have her in the palm of your hand,

melted like a pile of sand.

she wont let you go.

but that she wont show.

wont you just say you love her too?

because her feelings have always been true.

volume of the radio all the way up.

drowning out her lovely voice.

you cant hear her speak,

but her voice is booming;

like thunder rolling across the sky.

shes as gentle as the sea below,

brushing ever so lightly on the sand.

thinking shes not heard,

but shes got a crowd of millions.

her words speak louder than comparison,

yet as quiet as the wind.

she could grasp anyones heart.

she doesnt know the power she has over people.

the love.

try to write it on her wrist.

to write love on her arms.

love she longs to feel.

love she longs to give.

words she longs to say.

blank paper.

so many words.

no order.

no sense.

blank mind,

as if i cant remember a thing.

blank face.

no more expression. not for weeks.

and how did i get here?

i had a clear path.

ready to move forward.

ive opened my eyes to nothing.

ive moved backwards.

path gone.

blank.

to think everything was okay.

to think i actually could be happy.

how is it everyone can see,

and im blind

i feel like an abused little girl inside,

hiding from myself.

but in reality, i have no reason to be unhappy.

masked to the pain,

deprived of happiness.

id rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

im tired of being numb,

empty.

i can never seem to pick myself up,

put all the pieces back together.

when did it all get so complicated?

when did i lose everything?

i hide it so well.

how? its so easy.

why is hiding the only easy part?

try to take control of this.

self destruction.

write the answer on your wrist.

let the results flow so elegantly.

breathe.

you may be suffocating for a while now.

drive it all away.

anyway you can.

every man for himself,

were all fighting to be happy.

walk through the halls

with a hundred eyes glaring me down.

devouring me peice by peice.

they know.

everybody knows my weakness.

already planning to use it against me.

&i cant feel a thing.

why is it i can never feel?

things would be a lot easier if i wasnt under a constant spotlight.

always messing up.

my mistakes are kept laminated in a book.

my ahievements are forgotten.

both are forever.

i feel as if the whole world is against me.

&im turning against myself.

constant rebellion.

constant fighting.

inside and outside.

im tired of pain that doesnt stop.

pain i cant run away from.